Josh Recommends..

Passive Aggressiva

2009-02-09T18:17:00.004-05:00

Your roommate has been a dick all week, and you're leaving for the weekend, the sink is full of dishes, the apartment is dirty. Should you clean before you go?

Absolutely not.

Leave those dishes. While you're at it, dirty up some more, leave them on the counter, and go on your merry way. And when he calls asking about the state of the apartment because a group of his friends are going to be staying over, do you apologize for the mess?

Absolutely not.

When he gets pissy about it, shrug it off. Pretty people shouldn't clean if they have ugly roommates. Enjoy the weekend, you're not there, you don't have to see the mess. Chances are it will be there when you get back. And when you do get back, and the dishes are still ridiculously undone, you should probably do them because if anyone comes over, it's going to make you look bad.

When you return, if you happen to notice that any of your alcohol is missing (no one messes with your alcohol), it's time for three things:

1. Ignore him. Don't respond to anything he says, texts, or types to you via instant messenger. He's been enough of a dick already, you don't need to hear anymore of it.
2. Find a callendar, figure out the day the lease ends, and start a coutdown. Place it in the living area.
3. Post it notes. These are much more effective than actually talking. You can leave any message you want without the confrontation, such as "Why the hell is the wine (that my best friend bought me for my birthday) gone?" or "Stop taking my DVD player out of the living room so that you can watch movies with the random nasty in your bed"

When he starts apologizing for being such a dick, ignore him for a while longer. See what you can get out of him. Eventually he'll feel so bad that he'll offer you things.

When its all over with, just smile, you won!

Deleting pictures of your exes

2009-01-22T15:01:00.002-05:00

because it sucks when you remember how much better you could have done. Besides, do you really need to keep those memories?

fake it 'til you make it

2009-01-21T19:59:00.004-05:00

...even though you're a broke college student, and there's nothing but ketchup and rotten cheese in you fridge. Don't go for $1 draft night at the local dive. There is always somewhere to be seen. I recommend Chop House, and La Dolce Vita. Cigars, Brandy, and $80 steaks haven't looked this good since the 1920's. There's nothing better than a random server making you feel like a king (or queen). Who knows, you might even meet a random barney or two, and they might end up paying for your bill. Rich connections are always great. They don't need to know what's behind the door of your apartment.. a dirty couch from your grandmother's garage, and a mattress with no headboard

1. Find yourself a pretty friend to bring along
2. Dress to impress
3. Take out a student loan
4. Fake it til you make it.

(Disclaimer: Class is a must, if you don't have it, you're not fooling anyone.)

Grey's Anatomy

2009-01-18T20:28:00.001-05:00

Grey's Anatomy..

Because watching people die with indie chick emo music playing is better than therapy. And instead of paying $200 and hour, you only have to watch commercials

Wrapping it before tapping it..

2008-03-04T15:30:00.003-05:00

..because safe sex is always a good idea. No one likes STD's or unplanned pregnancies. They make for good gossip.. but it's never good to actually have one yourself.

Drinking

2008-01-24T10:35:00.001-05:00

Drinking on a school night...

you should have 1 Long Island Iced Tea, 1 Tequila Sunrise, 3 Bud Lights, 3 Superman Shots, 1 Cherry something (that a random stranger buys you), 1 shot of Tequlia, and 1 Whiskey Sour. Its essential that all of these drinks are payed for by other people.

Serving

2008-01-23T10:04:00.000-05:00

Not working as a server...

because unless you're making bank, there is no way to justify whoring yourself for tips. You might as well just be a stripper. its better money anyways.

Turning 21

2008-01-21T10:05:00.000-05:00

Turning 21..

because everyone drinks underage, and acoholism isn't illegal.

Lists

2008-01-17T11:53:00.002-05:00

keeping a list of people's flaws, including your own.

Because that way, when something shitty happens, you aren't ever suprised.

For example, I started making a list of my future roommate's flaws the day I met him, and since I've payed close attention to his f*** ups, I know exactly what I'll be dealing with.

My friend Maria keeps a list of my flaws in her head (I asked her to make one for me), and now i can use it as an excuse for why I do stupid things.

2008-01-16T10:13:00.000-05:00

Sitting next to smart pretty people in class..

because no one likes their study buddy to be ugly or dumb

Working

2008-01-15T10:14:00.000-05:00

Working On Campus...

because where else are you going to find a job where you do nothing and get paid to do it. Try to work in food services too, because even if its the worst sounding job ever, you get free food. And campus food is damned overpriced.

Valentine's Day

2008-01-11T10:14:00.000-05:00

making a play list on your ipod for Valentines Day...

The requirements of this play list are: the songs should be the ones on your Itunes that make you the most sad. They should be about heartaches, breakups, cheating, suicide, and anything else unpleasant. The songs are not allowed to be fast paced. Why is this a good idea you ask?

Because, even if you are surrounded by more love than you know what to do with, deep down you want more. So make a play list, because no matter what, you're going to be sad on Valentine's Day.

Friends

2008-01-10T22:11:00.000-05:00

Finding new friends...

because let's face it, your old ones generally suck, and aren't as cool as you are. Everyone likes shiny new people in their lives anyway.

Ulterior Motives

2008-01-09T18:42:00.000-05:00

having ulterior motives for everything..

because if you have multiple reasons for doing something you should definitely do it.

For good deeds: if no one knows you have a self serving motive to go with the selfless, you'll get what you want and also give a good impression.

Dating: If you getting free dinner, go for it! Your life automatically gets more interesting when starting up a relationship. You also get to change up your social life and who knows, you might actually end up liking the person.

Sucking up: you may actually like your family, teachers, friends, but add a little flattery and it can really pay off.

regret

2008-01-08T10:06:00.002-05:00

never saying sorry...

because it makes you look like you know what you're doing if you don't have regrets.

gossip

2008-01-08T09:51:00.000-05:00

telling stories about people like its a post on PerezHilton...

Example: "Spotted: On Saturday, Jake Smith leaving a tall attractive gay male's house at 5pm, half asleep, messed up hair, and wearing the same thing he was wearing the night before!"

because more things should sound like a celebrity gossip column. Stories just sound more interesting in that format. If more things did sound that way, I would probably make more time for reading, wouldn't you?

mints.

2008-01-07T19:54:00.000-05:00

Ice Breakers: restore, Pomegranate Lemon-Aid Mints...

because it's about time that they started pumping vitamins into people while at the same time making their breath smell better. Does vitamin water give you extra confidence while on a date? no. Does Centrum take away your halitosis? Didn't think so. Do tic-tacs help boost your immune system? nope. Can you ever really get enough vitamin A, E, C, and Zinc? no way! They also taste pretty darn good. And I can't forget to mention, there is pomegranate flavoring so you can pretend like there are real antioxidants and you're saving yourself from cancer. Its even sugar free! How could you resist? I couldn't. They're definitely worth the impulse buy, even when you are broke, and haven't bought your textbooks yet. What will they think of next?

Steak

2008-01-05T10:11:00.000-05:00

David Delski's Prime Meats..

because flat iron steaks are meant to taste like heaven. It's located at 1760 44th Street, in the Chateaux Center, just west of Burlingame. Try it. You will not be disappointed, I promise.

smoking

2008-01-03T23:50:00.000-05:00

smoking..

because sometimes it just looks so cool, and you'll always know what to waste your last few bucks on. If you're addicted, it will give you something to always look foreword too, and you can never be bored because there is always something to do.

Planet Terror

2008-01-02T10:01:00.000-05:00

Quentin Terentino's Grindhouse: Planet Terror..

Because Where else are you going to see a stripper with a gun for a leg? (You also get to see lots of zombies, and the insides of Fergie's head.)